What are you?

Paleo? Vegetarian? Vegan? Raw vegan?  South Beach? Whole 30? Atkins? Eco-Atkins? Weight Watchers? Jenny Craig? DASH? Mediterranean? Pescaterian? Flexitarian? Macrobiotic? Probiotic?

Presbyterian? Muslim? Jewish? Mormon? Catholic? Buddhist? Hindu? Unitarian? Atheist? Agnostic? New age? Spiritual but not religious?

Which are there more of? World religions or diet fads?

We’re guessing diet fads.

If you’re really hip, you know that raw vegan is the way, the truth and the light, if you want to be enlightened, that is. Never mind the fact that there is little evolutionary precedent for vegetarianism and almost none for veganism (I am pulling the anthropologist card here, folks). It’s not even really worth mentioning that many people with digestive disorders don’t handle raw food very well, especially nuts and seeds, even when sprouted. Who cares that many people feel terrible on vegetarian and/or vegan diets even when they eat really balanced ones? If those grass-fed meat-eating savages were really evolved and righteous, their guts would adapt. But wait…

Actually, the truth is, if you’re really cutting edge, you know that Paleo is the way to go for scientists and pro bio hackers (that’s a real thing). The paleo movement is the beloved foster child of Functional Medicine and the CrossFit industry, and those people have some serious LGN (look good naked) going on! So, they must be really healthy. Never mind that some people do really well with sprouted grains and legumes, not so well with nuts, and don’t really need very much animal protein. Hmmm…

And how about this “plant-based” thing? At least we all agree that it’s important to eat a lot of “plant-based” foods, like vegetables and fruit. Aren’t Cheerios plant-based? Vegan too! The oracle of Google says that Oreos and Duncan Hines Ready Whip Frosting are too. After all, oats, wheat, corn syrup and beet sugar are all made from plants. The chemicals in them may not be, but just a little bit won’t hurt, right, as long as they are mixed into a base of plants?

Actually, paleo people consider their diet “plant-based” for the exact same reason they eat more plants than animals. In theory, the bulk of their diet is lots of spiralized vegetables as well as fruit and sprouted nuts (anyone ever actually see sprouts coming out of these nuts?). This means eating tons of baked goods like muffins and cookies made from coconut and almond flour, just like our Paleolithic ancestors. As you can see, plants are the base of the paleo pyramid. That means it’s plant-based! So, pass the biodynamic bacon!

Whether we have been this person or observed it in others, or both, you have probably seen how it comes off when you think that you own the corner on the market of superior food philosophy. That’s right! It shows you’re really cool and makes everyone kind of wish they were you.

So, here’s what you do. You pick a food philosophy and make it your new identity. Ideally, you would knock on people’s doors leaving them pamphlets about it. You must be sure to follow it to a T, regardless of any of your body signals telling you otherwise. If you’re vegetarian, no matter how much you crave meat, you should never eat it.

If you are Paleo, no matter how much you crave oats, don’t you dare eat them! Grains are all evil! Loophole: Find a scientific article that actually reclassifies oats as a seed, not a grain. It helps to call it a super food and have evidence that Paleolithic people somewhere on the planet ate it raw and lived to be 200 years old.

This is very important: If you stray from your diet, you must feel very very guilty about it. Feel the shame as it forms in your chest and stomach, flushing your cheeks. Imagine all the people who would judge you if they knew what you did. Know that you have failed and that God will never love you now and will never allow you to look hot in a speedo or bikini. Then, numb your pain by bingeing on something that tastes really good, but that you know will make you feel like crap the next day. Next, feel guilty about that. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When you are “on” your diet, you should feel superior and scoff at other people who are less “in the know” than you. Remember, pretend to be tolerant to their face, then talk about them behind their backs to other people who share your religion, I mean philosophy. 

After all, if the basic tenets of your favorite food fad are UNIVERSALLY true (and, of course, they are, or you wouldn’t be doing it), then, clearly, anyone who’s doing anything different is obviously less evolved. Don’t worry, the universe or God will probably punish them with poor health, bad karma, and terrible cellulite, not to mention liver chi stagnation, hormone imbalances and premature aging. After you judge the crap out of them, be sure to hold a space of compassion, send blessings, and say a prayer for them so you can feel better about yourself.

So, where do we here at SpoonfulOfParadise.com fit into all of this? We find that, one way or another, when people find out what we do, they want to know where we fall in food politics. What team are we on? What food prophet do we follow? What diet party do we vote for?

Up until now, we confess that we have said confusing things like:

• We don’t adhere to a single food fad and like to learn from different people, educating ourselves and others about different ways of looking at food matters.
• We think that everyone is different, genetically, biochemically, emotionally, and socially, so we don’t feel that there is one right diet, much less one for everyone.
• If anything, we have this crazy idea that we feel best when we eat real, uncontaminated food made of the molecules we have evolved to ingest and convert into our own tissues (we know, not as obvious as one might think).
• We do teach ways of balancing your metabolism and strengthening your body’s innate ability to heal itself, but then tell people that they will need to work out through experimentation what feels best for their own unique constitution.
• We encourage people to cobble together what works for them, drawing from many resources that resonate with and inspire them.
• Even though we personally eat carefully sourced meat, we like to support our vegetarian and vegan brethren in finding balance that feels good to them. We think it’s interesting that they are on the frontier of human dietary exploration.
• We like to be open to new thinking around food, and, simultaneously, question underlying assumptions behind food fads.
• We like to be open to time tested traditional food ways (centuries, not decades, yo) and, simultaneously, question underlying assumptions behind romanticized notions of “tradition.”
• We also teach people that what is best for them dietarily speaking, changes over time as we heal, as we age, as our lives unfold, and as seasons change, so we teach people how to hone and listen to their bodies’ evolving needs.
• In a nutshell, we like to combine modern independent science and traditional wisdom to educate and inspire people.  We think it’s ideal for folks to learn to reliably listen to their bodies and develop instincts to guide themselves in feeling and experiencing the foods (and movements, breathing, thoughts, feelings) that best serve their unique body.

We know what you’re thinking. “That’s preposterous!”

Pretty crazy, right? Obviously, this will never work, especially without a name or some kind of branding. It needs more rules too. There definitely needs to be guilt involved, and how will you feel guilty if you don’t have a rule to break?

So, we have decided to trademark our own diet. It is truly superior, because it is:

1) based in science;

2) very spiritual; 

3) socially conscious; 

4) culturally sensitive; and 

5) NEW! 

Are you ready for it? 

It’s called “The Low Fad Diet.”

Contact us if you want to learn more or, even better, try it!

Please leave a comment below. We would love to hear from you.

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